Six Questions for the New Year

I love to steal. Good ideas, that is. At the inflection point of a new year, I see all kinds of great exercises from fellow coaches on summarizing this past year and setting goals for the new year. My thanks to the following coaches for providing fodder for my thinking: Shirley Anderson, Janet Auty-Carlisle, Marcia Dorfman, Morgana Rae, Bruce Sandy, and Jeremy Stover.

After parsing through the practices of some of the best coaches in the field, I noticed a pattern of six general questions. Here they are:

1. What accomplishments do I want to celebrate? These could be breakthroughs, things I said or did, new behaviors or thoughts. By celebrating what was good about the year, I honor my efforts and those who helped me along the way.

2. What disappointments do I want to acknowledge and let go of? It’s easy to unknowingly bring forward my past failures from year to year, not as a way of learning, but as a leg iron that clamps down on my ability to create a new reality. By purposely recognizing where I have been disappointed and choosing to break the connection with that failure, the field opens up for something new to happen.

3. What are the lessons learned? This is a biggie for me. It’s a way to make sense of my struggles, frustrations, anguish. Without the lessons, those golden insights that guide me as I navigate life, much of suffering is hard to reconcile. The lessons change from year to year and point to where I am personally growing.

4. What am I grateful for? One of my colleagues captured this beautifully with the question, “Who am I most happy to have in my life?” This can also be, “What am I most happy to have in my life?” Gratitude increases my awareness of the resources I have available to me, at any moment.

5. What do I most want for the coming year? This is the land of visioning, articulating my deepest desires. I like to pick a theme for the year. Others refer to this as naming the coming year, as in “The Year of …..” It’s where I set my intention for what I want to manifest, the target for the arrows I will launch throughout the year.

6. What commitment am I ready to make? To get what I want often requires removing obstacles and moving into new territory. What is in the way that I am ready to give up? It might be being right or doing it alone. As a friend says, what’s the skinny limb that I am willing to go out on? It might be trying out a new career. Or moving to another part of the country. When I commit, the whole world opens up. Not always in the way I expect, but I know that my commitment is opening doors.

For each of these questions, there are different ways to anchor the answers. I have used rituals for burning my disappointments (write it down and throw it in the fireplace), drawing my accomplishments (using crayons and colored pencils on poster board), and building (out of Lego blocks) my deepest desires.

What matters is that I find a way to make my thoughts and feelings visceral and visible to the outer world. If the answers to these questions only live in my inner world, there is less chance that I will be able to make something happen in the outer world. I need to be able to witness my aspirations, to bring the inside out, in order to create the long-term results.

What I have forgotten to say until now is that all of this can be done with a sense of play and laughter. Sometimes I need to crank up the stereo while I’m reflecting and ritualizing, dancing out my disappointments. This need not be a somber event, but one where my full inner spirit gets to be expressed. The way I approach these exercises can cause procrastination and falling by the wayside or immediate jumping in.

Try it out for yourself. Answer the six questions. Make it fun, meaningful, and satisfying.

What to Do With Bad News

Bad news seems to travel in packs, like wild dogs that leap out from the bushes of my consciousness with only a slight wimpering to warn me.

Right before Christmas, I heard from a sister-in-law that her mother had had a heart attack. Right after Christmas, I heard from another sister-in-law that her father had died. The same day, I talked with a business acquaintance and found out his best friend, at age 25, had died in small plane crash that was covered by the local paper. And later that day, my husband and I struggled with the ongoing drama of a family member’s mental illness.

It has taken me a few days to reflect on what this all means. Yesterday, I was at a local upscale mall, returning Christmas gifts that didn’t fit and buying holiday cards that should have been sent out weeks ago. In light of this last week, I was struck by the perfect world of the mall. In the mall, there are no deaths, no heart attacks, or mental illness. Or if there are, discreet security guards whisk the offender away before it ruins shoppers’ appetites for half-off sales.

Christmas must mean more than gifts and lovely dinners and getting together with family.

In a book I’m reading, "How to Think Like Leonardo da Vinci," (a good book, despite the cheesy title), the author has a great observation:

“Some people like to muse on the philosophical conundrum, “What is the meaning of life?” But more practical philosophers ask, “How can I make my life meaningful?””

Perhaps this is the key. Rather than wondering what it all means, bad news should be my signal to take stock of whether I’m living a meaningful life. This is clearly what Leonardo Da Vinci did. He observed the world around him, took it all in, both the good and bad, and used his insights not to understand the meaning of life but to create all sorts of things—anatomically correct drawings, blueprints for flying machines, and masterpiece art. In doing so, he made his life meaningful.

Bad news is meant to stop me in my tracks and have me reflect. What is needed now from me in the world? How can I make my life meaningful?

The Worst Day of the Year

I love how blogging spreads ideas and brings them back in new form.

A few weeks ago, I had a posting about Laughter Yoga--gatherings for the sole purpose of laughing together. An official Laughter Yoga Leader, Elaine Helle, emailed me after reading my posting to tell me about her brainchild, Belly Laugh Day on January 24. In Elaine's words:

"Last June, I thought, we celebrate love, give thanks, recognize flossing (day after Thanksgiving). Why don’t we celebrate the great gift of laughter? Thus Belly Laugh Day, January 24 was born. Celebrate Past Laugher. Create Positive Energy, Connection and Creativity with Positive Laughter.

How do you celebrate Belly Laugh Day? On January 24 at 1:24 p.m. smile, throw your arms in the air and laugh out loud. Join the Belly Laugh Bounce ‘Round the World."

What is really fascinating is the thinking behind picking January 24. Elaine attached an article from the BBC news about a researcher from Cardiff University, Dr. Chris Arnalls, determining that January 24 is the absolute worst day of the year, based on a complex formula. Leave it to the British to spend money researching this. No wonder their humor is so wacky. (Yes, my sons and husband love Mr. Bean as well as Monty Python.)

To quote the BBC:

The formula for the day of misery reads:

1/8W+(D-d)3/8xTQMxNA

Where:

• W is weather
• D is debt - minus the money (d) due on January's pay day
• T is the time since Christmas.
• Q is the period since the failure to quit a bad habit
• M stands for general motivational levels
• NA is the need to take action and do something about it.
  

Dr Arnalls calculated the effects of cold, wet and dark January weather after the cosiness of Christmas coupled with extra spending in the sales. He found 24 January was especially dangerous, coming a whole month after Christmas festivities. Any energy from the holiday had worn off by the third week of January, he said.

By Monday, most people will have fallen off the wagon or abandoned the nicotine patches as they fail to keep New Year's resolutions. That compounds a sense of failure and knocks confidence needed to get through January. The fact that the most depressing day fell on a Monday was not planned but a coincidence, he said.

The BBC then interviews average citizens, reacting to this finding of the worst day of the year. My favorite is a quote from Danny Harrison, "I dread January because I get really cold waiting for the pub to open. "

Now if all this doesn't put you in the mood for Belly Laugh Day, I don't know what will. Check out Elaine's website, www.bellylaughday.com, where yours truly will be part of the Belly Laugh Bounce 'Round the World in the Mountain Time Zone (a new version of the Wave). Elaine also asked me to write a few words for a page on her website entitled, "Why Celebrate Laughter?"

The simple answer is, "Why Not?" So you can guess what I'll be doing on January 24 at 1:24pm MT.

Beauty of the Season

One of the joys of the season are the beautiful cards I receive--both traditional and e-cards. Here's one that I received recently, created by an artist/graphic designer friend, Marie Carija. Visit her website to see more of her vibrant work.

The other type of holiday cards that are catching my attention are ones from my college buddies. They are sending me pictures of their college-age children--young adults who are handsome, beautiful, and full of life. It is a reminder that time marches on.

Several Christmas notes have alluded to life with a teenager (yes, my turn is next!). One friend summed it up best: "John turned 13 and I've been experiencing the typical conflicts that accompany the change in teens. A nice way to say--it really sucks!"

Now if I can only find the beauty in that......

Great Adventures

I'm reading another book, "The Sound of Paper" by Julia Cameron, who is best known for the bible on creativity, "The Artist's Way."

"The Sound of Paper" is about nourishing our creative muse, especially when we have gone on vacation, left it at home, and forgotten to put out so much as a morning snack.

One of the exercises from the book I tried today is about adventuring. Actually, everytime I read a book, I go on an adventure. But that's another post I've been wanting to write about the great gift of local libraries.

So here's the exercise exactly as Julia has described in the book:

"Take pen in hand. Number from 1 to 10. Finish the following phrase as rapidly as possible:

1. A great adventure I'd love to have is _______________________________
2. A great adventure I'd love to have is_______________________________
3. A great adventure I'd love to have is_______________________________
4. A great adventure I'd love to have is_______________________________
5. A great adventure I'd love to have is_______________________________
6. A great adventure I'd love to have is_______________________________
7. A great adventure I'd love to have is_______________________________
8. A great adventure I'd love to have is_______________________________
9. A great adventure I'd love to have is_______________________________
10. A great adventure I'd love to have is_______________________________

Scan your list. Select the adventure that sounds the most delectable to you. Devise one small step you can take toward having that adventure. Take that step. "

So here's what I furiously wrote before running out of steam:

A great adventure I'd love to have is traveling the world for several months, on my own or with my husband.

A great adventure I'd love to have is shadowing an interesting person in their work--someone who is fully cooked.

A great adventure I'd love to have is to immerse myself in a new world, a new discipline, with all the tools of the trade.

A great adventure I'd love to have is to take a painting class or a storytelling seminar or some other experiential workshop.

A great adventure I'd love to have is to be a child for an entire week. Eating what they eat, going to their classroom, playing what they play, sleeping when they sleep.

Adventures for me are about new perspectives and experiences, with no set notions on where those might come from. In which case, adventures can come from any place at any time.

The Meaning of Love

I'm almost finished reading Viktor Frankl's book, Man's Search for Meaning. Here' s a quote from the book I want to share:

"Love is the only way to grasp another human being in the innermost core of his personality. No one can become fully aware of the very essence of another human being unless he loves him. By his love he is enabled to see the essential traits and features in the beloved person; and even more, he sees that which is potential in him, which is not yet actualized but yet ought to be actualized...By making [the beloved person] aware of what he can be and of what he should become, [the loving person] makes these potentialities come true."

This description of love struck me as what a good coach does for her client, what partners do for each other and what parents do for their children.

For a long time, I have known that I'm able to see the divine in others and call it out. What is remarkable is that we all have the ability to do this, what Rachel Naomi Remen would say is to see the seeds of wholeness in everyone. It is a matter of slowing down and noticing, with a generous heart.

I have to laugh inside because every once in awhile, someone tells me that what I write about would fit in nicely in a church sermon. Having grown up with no exposure to formal religion, I think of myself as outside the scope of religion. Yet books that draw my interest at the library can be found in the religion section. And now I catch myself talking about the divine. Perhaps what we all talk about from the heart is one and the same.

Celebrate the Journey

I grew up playing the flute and became fairly accomplished in high school. I have played off and on as an adult, never getting past my peak as a teenager in technique, but steadily developing a more sensitive ear and the ability to make music.

Last week, I attended one of my son's band concerts. He's in middle school but this particular concert included 5th graders who started playing an instrument just a few months ago. As the fifth graders warmed up with a scale, I wondered what it must be like to be the band director for beginning musicians. Actually, I did more than wonder. I felt sorry for the guy. What enjoyment could there be from conducting the barest of musical pieces out of standardized books, with kids who were years from doing justice to their instruments?

I soon got my answer. The band director paused after the first song and recounted the first day of rehearsal, when the kids were just learning to put their instruments together. He asked the kids to give a sample of the cacophony that day. It sounded like how you might imagine it.

Then he recounted their slow but steady progress--learning about key signatures, half notes and quarter notes and eighth notes. With each piece the band played that night, he reminded the audience of a skill that the young musicians were trying out--playing pick up notes, creating imagery through sound, coming in at the right time. These were skills I had taken for granted. Oh, how I had forgotten! And oh, how this marvelous man had provided the audience a way to appreciate what they were hearing--not from the perspective of absolute music-making, but from the view of how far their children had come. It was a celebration of the journey, as opposed to the destination.

What if we were all able to celebrate the journey more and be less concerned with the destination? Life would be different, wouldn't it?

What I Learned from the ICF Conference

A couple of weeks ago, I posted on the Coactive Network a message about what I learned from the International Coach Federation conference. Here's the link: http://coactivenetwork.com/webx?128@115.iM3JaaYelUO.5@.3c413dab. Scroll down and click on the option to show all the messages in the thread. I posted two messages in thread.

While the postings may be specific to my experience in the coaching industry, it probably applies to many other situations--having perseverance, seeing our work as more than a paycheck, and getting our financial house in order to do our life's work (no, those last two things are not in conflict.) Have a look for yourself and tell me what you think.

The Creative Habit

I'm almost finished with a book by Twyla Tharp, "The Creative Habit." It's a great book for understanding the creative process, which Tharp says depends on, of all things, structure. If you are yearning to have more creativity in your life, this book is an excellent guide.

Which reminds me of something that came out of my mouth when I was being coached by two colleagues recently: " I take people who need structure to a place where there is no structure."

This is also the paradox of creativity. To go to a place that is new and fresh, where there is no structure, we must start with structure--ways to begin, ways to keep going in the face of our inner critics, ways to get unstuck, ways to keep true to our original intention in creating.

Simplicity and Warren Buffett

"I've created a good environment. All I have to do is think and not be influenced by others."
--Warren Buffett

The above quote came from a Wall Street Journal article on how Warren Buffett, the famed investor and head of Berkshire Hathaway, works--keeping the outside world at bay so that he can hear himself think.

I am fascinated by Buffett's ability to simplify in a business world that loves complexity. This includes simplifying his environment, to free him up to do what he does best--think and make decisions. The article talks about on a recent Wednesday, Buffett received only 13 phone calls and one of those was a wrong number. The corporate headquarters for a multi-billionaire company consists of less than 20 employees. His hands-off approach to managers who run his various businesses allows him to simplify his environment.

This is a good lesson for me. Simplify where things could be overly complicated. Create the type of environment where I have time to think. Listen to my own voice.

Gratefulness and Gratitude

Last week, I blogged about the small things in life that give us pleasure--pomegranates, lost objects found, sunrises. I think of this as having gratitude.

When I think of gratefulness, I think of the big stuff--freedom, family, health. I was reminded of all that I have to be grateful for in one day recently.

That day, I went to the library with my son, checking out books that had been recommended to me. One of the books I checked out was Viktor Frankl's, "Man's Search for Meaning," about his experience in concentration camps during WWII. It you've never read it, get it on Amazon (for $7!) or check it out at the library. It's worth spending time with this book, especially during a season when it's easy to have so much and appreciate so little of what really matters. Quotes from the book that are particularly striking:

"...everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms--to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's way."

"...it did not really matter what we [the prisoners] expected from life, but rather what life expected from us. We need to stop asking ourselve the meaning of life and instead to think of ourselves as those who were being questioned by life--daily and hourly. "

"...there is also purpose in that life which is almost barren of both creation and enjoyment...If there is meaning in life at all, there there must be meaning in suffering. Suffering is an ineradicable part of life, even as fate and death. Without suffering and death human life cannot be complete. "

I'll leave you to ponder those powerful words without my commentary.

Two other experiences from that same day I read Frankl's book:

• At a potluck gathering held by the karate studio my son attends, the owner and head instructor spoke briefly. Shihan, as he is known at the dojo, was born overseas--in Iran, I think. He has traveled all over the world, competing in world karate championships, both as a participant and as an officiator. And when he returns home, he notices how much he has. That night, Shihan recalled asking in his classes for kids how many toys each of his young charges has. One kid said, "Maybe 1000." Another said, "Maybe 800." Knowing how much my kids have, this is not child-like exaggeration. Then he asked the the audience how many bathrooms are in their house. It was clear that the one-bathroom house had died a long time ago, at least in our part of the world. Our world, the world that I know and many of you know, has never been more abundant. We are moving up on Maslow's hierarchy.

• Later that evening, my husband exchanged notes on our day. He had attended a day long seminar sponsored by the Foundation for Economic Education. One of the speakers was an educator and researcher who had grown up in the old Soviet Union. Now living in the US, this woman recounted being in the crowd, listening to political leaders speak and listening for the bell that would signal when to stop clapping. Clapping was expected but no one wanted to be the first to stop. Clapping could go on for 45 minutes without an authorized signal to stop. Things are not perfect in this country. And I am grateful that we have still have the freedom to applaud or not our political leaders.

I have much to be grateful for. My guess is that you do, too.

More Toilet Stories

I'm amazed at how quickly the week goes by. It seems like I just blogged and I see it's been nearly a week since I posted anything.

In a recent Wall Street Journal, I spied this headline: "The Battle Over Toilet Testing," with a subtitle of "Industry is Divided Over How to Measure Flushing Power: Miso Versus Plastic Balls." You may remember my post about shopping for a toilet and having fun with the toilet industry's odd ways of marketing, including making claims of being able to flush two dozen golf balls with one fell swoop.

Here's the industry's dirty little secret (yes, pun intended): "Toilets that are fantastic at flushing down 3/4 inch plastic balls sometimes falter under real world conditions." So quoteth the WSJ, a reliable source of information for all things in business, big and small. Enter miso, which is made primarily of cooked soybeans. Not surprisingly, the miso manufacturers are happy to sell their product to the toilet manufacturers but to also keep a low profile with the public on their contribution to better flushing toilets. After all, who wants to know that they are consuming a food that closely resembles the consistency of, well, need I say more?

Here's another secret: "Since 1978, toilet makers had been using the plastic-ball test, which involved dropping 100 balls into the toilet: the toilet had to dispose of at least 75 in one flush. " Makes those claims of 2 dozen golf balls seem downright puny. Maybe the marketing guys got it wrong. Maybe they meant to say that 2 dozen didn't get flushed.

So at this point, you might be wondering, what is the point of all this? I suppose this is my way of saying, there is always a story behind the story, a joke behind the joke. Look for it and I guarantee you'll be fascinated. Even when it involves something as mundane as toilets.

Pomegranates, Black Pants, and Sunrises

I've been delighted with small surprises in the last few days.

Over the weekend, I was sitting next to a woman at a karate tournament who was eating pomegranate seeds. "Is that a pomegranate?" I was curious as I had only seen the dried pomegranates in lovely wreaths from Smith and Hawken and fresh pomegranates in the grocery store, sitting in the part of the produce section that holds fruits and veggies that confound me. How exactly does one prepare an artichoke? The same question had occurred for pomegranates. I found out that the seeds are what one eats, surrounded by a lovely crimson juice, tart and sweet at the same time. Sort of a more delicate and refined version of a grape.

If you've never seen the inside of a pomegranate, buy one and cut it in half, just for the kick of it. The deep red seeds (I'd love to paint a bathroom this color) are nestled in clumps between creamy beige membranes. Together, they form a star-like pattern under the protection of a leathery rind. It's like no other fruit I've encountered.

My 10-year old son was sitting next to me at the karate tournament and sampled the pomegranate seeds. He liked it so much that later that day, at the grocery store, I bought a pomegranate. And then he and I sampled our own. It was the first new food that he's eaten with such gusto since he discovered Brownie Earthquakes at Dairy Queen a couple of years ago.

My second delight came when I was cleaning out my closet. I discovered a pair of heavy brushed cotton pants that I had bought last year and completely forgotten about. I was thinking I would give them as a Christmas present to my sister-in-law and discovered they fit so well that I decided to keep them (sorry, Bean!) Finding these black pants, the kind that works with just about anything and makes you look and feel good, was like finding money in a coat pocket. It just makes you happy when you see it.

My third delight was this morning at 6:45am, driving my 12-year old son to school for jazz band rehearsal. There is usually very little to celebrate in getting up this early on a cold winter morning. But this morning, I saw the most beautiful sunrise, bright pink stripes across the sky and took a route that afforded the most unobstructed views. I told my son that sunrises are special because they only appear for a few minutes and then they transform into a more mild mannered light against the sky. It is as if we have gotten on the road to be in the right place at the right time, just to see the magnificence of the Western sky when night turns into day.

I recently received two emails about a gratitude experiment with a nifty flash video to introduce the topic. Yes, gratitude is what I've experienced over the past few days. But this is no experiment. Gratitude is right under our noses--in closets, in grocery stores, on the way to school. Open yourself up to being delighted.

Smile Test

Another fun exercise from A Whole New Mind book:

To test your ability to read people, take a look at the following url:
www.tinyurl.com/2u7sh

It's the BBC's ten minute, 20-question test, based on solid research, to see how good you are at detecting the difference between a fake smile and a real one.

I was quite proud of the fact that I got 14 out of 20 correct. Until I sent this out to my mailing list and got responses from people in my network taking the test. Of 15 people who reported their results to me, the average was 14.9 out of 20.

One person had already done the test and gotten all 20 correct! She also officiates at karate tournaments so I'm wondering if her powers of observation have been enhanced or whether this is a natural talent. One person reported 16 out of 20 and was surprised that she hadn't gotten more correct. Another person was curious as to why his accuracy was much higher with determining genuine smiles with women than men. I won't even touch that one. And still another wondered why his score was so much lower than his wife's. Can you just hear my response to that one?

So feel free to report your score and your reaction to the score here.

A Whole New Mind

It takes a pretty good book to keep my interest until the last page. I've started countless books only to put them down after 50 or 100 pages. Fortunately, A Whole New Mind by Daniel Pink is not one of them. Daniel Pink is the author of Free Agent Nation (which I have not read) and (I think) used to write for Fast Company magazine.

I love this book because it explains the path that I've been traveling for the better part of 10 years--from strictly living in a left-brained analytical world as an engineer to using both the logical mind and the creative, intuitive right brain. Pink makes a great argument for why the world is shifting emphasis to and rewarding use of the right-brain faculties--Asia, Abundance, and Automation. I won't spoil the book for those who want to read it. Trust that it's well-thought out and provocative if you haven't considered this point of view before.

Pink provides three questions that you'll want to consider to stay ahead of the curve in your work:

• Can someone overseas do it cheaper?
• Can a computer do it faster?
• Am I offering something that satisfies the nonmaterial, transcendant desire of an abundant age?

Then he goes on to outline "six senses" needed to thrive in the new Conceptual Age:

• Design
• Story
• Symphony
• Empathy
• Play
• Meaning

I've seen my growth mushroom with the integration of each of these elements into my own work and life--meaning and story are why and how I write, empathy and play are cornerstones of my coaching, design has meant everything in starting a business, and symphony is what I am continually using to monitor and assess my life.

This book is such a good roadmap for travelers in the new world that I may make it mandatory reading for all my clients.